A Mother's Guilt...

For as long as I have been a mom, guilt has been my companion.  When I worked full-time, I felt guilty for leaving my four month old baby at a day-care. When I came home early, I felt guilty for leaving my work.  

The years went by, but the guilt stayed. As I grew older and probably wiser, the intensity went down, and I knew how to handle it. But it never went away.

It resurfaced today, as I dropped my child off to day-care.  I am in the U.S where three year olds go to childcare and not a pre-school. Childcare is expensive, and primarily geared for working moms.

I don’t work (as of now), and I send my three year old to a child care centre. He spends the day there, and goes 5 days a week. This helps me stay sane, do my writing, focus on what I might want to do going forward, and just gives me some breathing space.

But today, as I dropped my son there, he cried. He didn’t want to go. I felt my heart break. That’s a familiar feeling for every mom. But my heart broke more, because, I wasn’t going to work after dropping him. I was going to go back home, go for a walk, and then do my writing.

I know all the reasons why I do so, and my family supports me. But still it stung. I felt incredibly selfish. My head screamed that getting a job would make this worthwhile. But then, I realized, this vicious circle has no end.

Whenever guilt rears its ugly head, I find solace and advice in Sheryl Sandberg’s book Lean in. She urges women to lean in, and not look at child care expenses as merely an expense. It is an investment in yourself. It is a seed that you sow, to reap benefits in the future. And those benefits could be a job, your own venture or just a calmer, better you, which makes you a better parent.

With guilt comes a choice, to be consumed by it, or to be energized by it…

Consumed by the blame that it lays, OR energized by the possibilities that exist ahead…

With guilt comes a choice; Are you holding back or do you lean in?

Hold back on all your dreams, OR lean in towards your life’s purpose….

I have spent a lot of time leaning away from all that I truly wanted to do. It’s time to lean in. 

And You?